Oh boy, I was going to do a whole lot of stuff! Then just as I decide it's time to get it done. This damn disease shows up at my door. I remember my list of goals fresh out of college. It was arms length. My future seemed like it was full of promise and anything was possible. I had no plans on meeting these illnesses nor did I plan on them latching on to me for life.
People will say, "Well you can still do all of that." Yes, I probably could. But unfortunately having an illness can really take a toll on your finances. Which can affect your plans. Thanks to the high cost of medications and medical bills, I learned pretty early that law school may not be in my future. I was immediately thrown another blow when I was told that the MS had taken a toll on my vocal chords and scleroderma was creeping into my lungs. My voice became a welcome visitor. I would have it 2 or 3 days a week. Then it would go away for days at a time. It became raspy and my speech became slower. I was almost silent sometimes. I sat on my bed one day thinking about my goals. I just couldn't believe where I was in my life. I had a beautiful family. I worked a fantastic job long enough to save some money. I had married the man that I love. I just had not done all that I wanted to do.
That makes you mad. It makes you feel like you have done nothing. It makes you feel like you won't do anything else. You feel robbed and you know the responsible party. MS can take the life you planned and turn it upside down. It can shake you until there is nothing left. The future can go from exciting to terrifying in an instant. "Poof," and it is all gone. And here you sit waiting and wondering what else is left to take. That is a feeling that nobody should have to feel. If we toss our goals away due to illness, we are in some part giving up. And we DO NOT GIVE UP!
My husband told my son to fix a dresser drawer one day. It was off track and the handle was broken. My son came in the room and said, "Can't we just throw the dresser away?" My husband had a look of confusion on his face. "Why throw it away, when you can repair it?" he asked my son. My son answered, "Even if I try to fix it, it won't work the same way as before." My husband said, "Well it may not work the same but it will work, it will still serve a purpose, now go fix it." I was sitting on the couch and it hit me! My goals shouldn't be discarded, they should be altered. There are other things that I want to do that were not on that list in the beginning. I sat there and thought about it,......"I may not ever reach my goals, but I can find my purpose."
My purpose is what I am suppose to do, my goals are what I would like to do. There is no illness that can steal my purpose. I needed to start concentrating more on that. The ideas of opening a worship center, writing a book, motivational speaking, were still possible. I just had to repair my outlook and start working towards those things instead of resting in defeat.
Multiple Sclerosis is a thief. It sneaks up on you and robs you during the most productive time of your life. It is up to us to decide to throw away our plans or repair and renew so that we can discover our purpose. Then we make that our passion. And who knows, that purpose may eventually lead to our goals. In the mean time being sick may have robbed us but it didn't destroy us. Sorry MS, you loose again!
<3
ReplyDelete