WHY!?

I would be lying if I said I never ask God why

I try to imagine that somewhere in my life I asked for the struggle, I recall in my mind the days when I knew I wasn’t being right. Perhaps one of those days brought me here. Or maybe it was something I did when I thought I was being right. I could have been wrong. I could have taken steps then that sealed my fate today,

I pray and I listen hoping God will shed some light on what led me here,

I wait for the moment when it is all clear and all easily understood.

I look at my husband as he works so hard and loves me so sincerely. I want him to be mad. I mean after all, We had plans and dreams. He smiles and rubs my back and looks at me as if time itself belonged only to us. I wish I could see me like he does.

I sit with my sons and laugh as I listen to them explain how they will never leave my side. I pray that isn’t true I want them to live their lives. My heart seems to beat faster every time they ask me how I feel. I usually just smile,…… and tell them my spirit has been healed

You can not imagine what it feels like to be trapped. To be unable to move your legs and hands without the consent of disease. It’s stifling, it’s painful, it’s unfair. But so many things in life are,

Who am I to wonder why I have this or that. What makes me better than anyone else. I mean No I didn’t ask to be sick but it would be selfish to ask not to be, wouldn’t it? I am not fond of pity parties and please do not mistake this for that. I am not pitiful because I accept where I am at,

The phone rings and you wait to hear the news. Not sure what you will be told. They say it’s getting worse no matter what they do. I say “thank you” just like I rehearsed. I will NOT ever be okay with this,I will deal with it and soar above it and live in spite of it but I will never say, “Oh don’t worry about me, because I am okay”

What I am is angry that this may not turn out like I would love. I’m angry that there are times when my prayers don’t seem to reach above. But inside, deep inside where my love is nurtured and grown I know that God would never leave me in this moment on my own.

I am human, I am scared. Like no one can imagine. What if I have to leave my family, Lord please don’t let that happen! There it is again me asking God for favors. When he has already done so much. I want to break loose from the restraints of being sick I have had enough! I want to walk and run and talk and live like I did 12 years ago. I want to be me inside and out, I deserve that! I want to play baseball with my grandkids like I did with my boys. I want to dance with my husband to the sound of his voice. No scooter, no wheel chair, no cane. An umbrella is for those who fear getting wet, I want to  praise God in the rain!

I would be lying if I said I never ask God why

Typing this my hands start to shake and with every word I cry. Not because I am mad at who I am or the storms I’ve endured in my life. I am crying because no matter what I still had the chance to be a mother, a sister,  a friend, a daughter and a wife.

I’ll never know just why  I was chosen, I would like to think God sees me like nobody else ever could. He knows that I will fight and I will stand as long as I possibly can. The truth is even if God told me why, I would still wish that THIS wasn’t my FIGHT. But Even if Tomorrow never comes my Yesterday’s are what Blessed my LIFE!

Blessings