Illness...What People Need To Know

I have really struggled these last few months with my  health. I have so many things that I deal with physically that I often find myself ignoring some of them. The reason for that is simply, I need a break. It's hard. It is absolutely one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I spend more time crying in my closet than I care to admit. Why? Because when I think of another day of pain, it makes me sad. Now that being said, please do not get me wrong. I love the Lord. I trust him, I really do. But I am still human. I still worry and I still get scared. I think people need to know that being sick can take a toll on you like nothing else.

Due to a couple of my illnesses I have changed in ways that I deal with everyday. I look in the mirror and I see my face is weaker on one side. This means my eye is smaller, my mouth is crooked. Things many say they don't notice. But I do. These changes along with the weakness in the limbs and the pain in the face and the back and the neck and the arms and on and on can make life miserable. But most of us have learned to tuck our misery. I will not say we hide it, Because i think the people closest to us know it is there but they also know and respect that we need to tuck it away in order to live productively. Please do not read this post and feel like I am depressed at this moment. I am not depressed. I know this because I have been depressed before and this is not that. This is just sadness. A sadness that I am dealing with. But a sadness that I have to deal with.

So my doctor's and I try to be very proactive in all areas of my health care. They informed me that I needed to have surgery done on my breasts and that they preferred it be done sooner rather than later. I have gone to have this surgery twice in the past 50 days and still have not had it. The first time, back in March I was very close. I was on my way to the operating room when they informed me that my blood pressure was just too high. I was disappointed but I totally understood. I went home and decided that I had to work on my blood pressure. I started watching what I ate and I started exercising. To this day it has been over a month and I have lost 20 pounds. I can do anything I am determined to do. That is a strength. So the surgery was rescheduled for April 4th. I get there and everyone is so shocked at how much weight I have lost and my blood pressure is perfect! I am given my IV and my antibiotics and the anesthesia is started. The nurse runs in to say "Her hemoglobin is way too low." After a 20 minute meeting and discussion they decide I need the surgery done. The doctor explains the risk and we go over it all with my husband and the anesthesiologist and the nurses. The doctor informs me that in the event I lose to much blood, the surgery would be stopped. I said okay. Well guess what? Ten minutes in and there was just to much blood. If my hemoglobin doesn't increase then I will have to do the surgery inpatient in case I need a transfusion. I totally get all of this. And I explained to the doctors' that I was on the same page as them. But in the car on the way home, I broke down. And I couldn't stop.

My husband was so great about trying to make me feel better. I just couldn't feel better. Meanwhile we have been having our kitchen remodeled since January 17, 2013, after a plumbing disaster. The upstairs bathroom flooded the kitchen and ruined just about everything. It is still unfinished. There are no cabinets, no floor, just a refrigerator. I have a big family and house full of hungry mouths to feed. So as you can imagine this has me stressed as well. We have been living on microwave meals and fast food. It is a nightmare. So when you take that situation and add it to the surgery situation and add that to the overall health issues, not to mention trying to take care of my family and my house and just live,.......you get exactly what I have right now. A sense of sadness and a feeling of despair.

I think it is very important for people to know that sadness is a part of this thing. The same issues that healthy people have to deal with everyday, WE have to deal with as well. Either on top of being sick or in spite of being sick. But living doesn't stop after diagnosis. A new way of living begins.

If I was asked what 6 things do I want people to know about being sick, this would be my list.
1. I am not contagious (come on now, you know some people think that)
2. I am absolutely positively as tired as I look but I am also determined.
3. I get sad. There are days when I can not even control the overwhelming wave of sadness that       comes over me. But that sadness doesn't last forever. I just need you to expect it to come and respect it when it does.
4. I do not want you to feel sorry for me. I don't.
5. The same things you deal with in life, still happen in my life too. I have to find a way to manage and eventually I will.
6. I would love for you to offer your help. I may not accept it all the time but it feels good knowing the help is there.

Now these are my 6. Everyone is different so your 6 may not be anything like mine. The main idea is clear however. People need to know that we are not superhuman or less than human. We are human. We cry, worry, struggle, laugh, joke, smile, frown, feel happy, sad, lonely, tired, and excited. Just like you do. We just do it all and deal with being sick at the same time. What do we need from you? We need you to know we have good days and bad days. And we have days when we are just sad. Plain and simple. Expect it to happen and Respect it when it does.

Blessings