Friday, July 8, 2016

What Do I Tell My Kids?

I wish I knew what I could say to my kids right now. As we watch tragedy after tragedy unfold before our eyes. It takes me back to 9/11. I was so stunned and shocked at the time all I could do was cry. I found myself at that very same place this morning. I began to explain to my kids that they were safe. But for some reason it was almost as if I didn't believe it so I could not say it. So we prayed. I prayed for peace and protection and I opened one eye to see my kids seriously praying. Holding hands very tightly and waiting for me to say the right thing. I closed my eyes and I realized that I did not have the right thing to say, I was not speechless by any means. But when it came to talking to God about all the things that are happening around us, I almost felt like I had no right to question him or ask him for anything. I know for a fact I have done things that disappointed God. And I knew how to talk to him about it, But what could I say about a world full of disappointment?

I have six black sons and a husband and 6 black brothers and 7 nephews. I have godsons and I have friends that I feel like are mildly steps away from being hurt or killed by the police. I have a sister that is an actual police officer so I sit in prayer for her hoping she does not come across the wrong person or group of people. I feel like I need to be doing more! I feel so helpless so I write and I write and I pray. I pray hoping that God will reveal something to me that will make this all easier to understand. But so far all I hear is God saying "TRUST ME."

Politicians are jumping to the podium to voice their opinion. The President is stuttering as he tries to make us feel better, How can you make us feel better when we can see the fear in your eyes? I refused to watch the news today. I dedicated the day to just talking to my kids and letting them know that God is in control and they are as safe as they can be with God's love and Mama and Daddy's protection. I started to feel sick at 4pm. I found out earlier that my Mom was admitted into the hospital for heart complications. I felt more and more physical pain as the day went on. But I tried so hard to detach myself from bad news so I could just breathe. So I could have time to comfort my family and time to connect with God.

My grandmother always told us that God will allow even the most painful circumstances for us to FOCUS on him, I thought about that, I thought about the pain and distress I have felt when I was being raped and beaten and held hostage. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM ME GOD????? What do you need me to do to make this feel better and to let me live a normal life free of nightmares and free of the boogeyman. I waited and waited, Life goes on and even though I ache internally from the external actions over the last few months, weeks, days,...... All I can do is TRUST GOD.

My 8 year old asked me, "If the police are bad who can we trust Ma?" And in that moment I was stuck.Unable to move. Waiting on God to give me the answer, My body started hurting and my head soon followed. We do not get a break from all the drama in the world just because we are sick, We still see it and feel it and hurt behind it.

There is an unspoken tension in the air. At the pharmacy. At the hospital. At the grocery store. People are trying not to look one another in the face. Why? Because the News footage and the circumstances of the last few days have created a break. An uncomfortable silence. We have to keep functioning in a way that reminds us that there is still good and love in us.
Everyone is not a bad guy. Keep waving to your neighbors and smiling at strangers. The smoke of confusion and the aroma of racism.....are choking us. You can be on your team but do not let these events create something in you that you are not. Black people are frustrated and aggravated and hurting to say the least.
And I believe there are white people who are hurting for us. The killing of police is leaving blood running parallel with the blood of these black men into the ground. Nurturing and watering the seeds of racism and tension. Be resilient and take a stand BUT DO SO PEACEFULLY...OUT OF CHOICE...NOT BECAUSE WE ARE TOLD TO BE. Ask yourself..Who benefits from a Race War???
DO NOT FIND AN ENEMY WHERE THERE ISN'T ONE. Do not be convinced that we cannot trust one another. Or be friends or love past color. Because once that happens...we all lose.  And I refuse to believe that is God's plan!!!

Who is safe? Who is sleeping well? Who has not cried or teared up in the last few days? I don't know of anyone. I do know that the events of the last 5 years involving people and police officers has had an affect on every person in this country. We are told not to question authority and not to do anything that makes us look suspicious or guilty. I no loner know what these things look like. I don't know the triggers for mania, from the police or from us. So now I am teaching my kids to speak in a way that is not confrontational. To make eye contact and to pray as soon as they see those flashing lights. Not because I want them to give in to abuse or misconduct. But because I want them to make it home safely.

They worry about me so much. You know they say stress and fear cause relapses and increase pain. But I cannot get this thing off my mind. As many of you feel useless and helpless at times like this, So do I. And I lay awake wondering "What can I do to help my kids get through this?" I always end up praying. And telling God that we see him and love him and acknowledge him. We know that he is the beginning and the end. The start and the stop. And then it hits me. Right now in this moment all I CAN DO is Stay in Prayer and TRUST GOD.  Only He knows where this all is headed. For now that is what I tell my kids. the Truth.

I made sure they could read and know to always be polite
We taught them to be respectful and 
that they should always do whats right
They learned that brothers protect one another
And that NOBODY can break that chain
Work hard and love sincerely
Make sure your wife has beauty and brains
We taught them to stay away from drugs and alcohol
Because we know those things can destroy
BUT...We Never said The Police may kill you
When we were teaching our young black boys
They know to be careful everywhere they go
But THE POLICE being a threat to their lives. did we even know?
So now we teach them to pray before they leave the house
And if they ever come across the wrong kind of cop
We PRAY they make it out. (c)vjrs2015


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