Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Hmmm,..:"Wedding Vows"....More Than Words

I am asked time and time again how my marriage survives my illnesses. I am asked if there is a special thing that I do or a way that I act that keeps my husband from ignoring me or leaving me or who knows what. I always start with the truth. I believe that the best part of me is in the honest part of me. The completely open and naked spiritual me. That knows that no one is perfect and understands that we all go through something. And nothing turns out as planned...

I have known my husband for 22 years. He used to drive me crazy. I was really strong willed and determined, some would say I had an attitude problem. But the truth is I just believed in getting what I wanted and I did what I had to do. This was usually an issue in my relationships. I can remember before getting married, I worked 2 jobs full time and I slept for 3 hours a day. I was not hurting for money. I had a nice little savings account. I just wanted more for myself and my son. So I worked hard to get it. Men have an issue with women like me. I know they do. I am a lot like my mom. My grandfather use to say she was untamable.

Well for me it wasn't about being tamed. It was about being appreciated and respected for what I did for myself. I didn't like for a man to act like I needed him. I didn't think I did. I look back and I understand that my husband came into my life when I was very busy, working, college, night job, raising a son, he played sports and i had a couple of other male friends I hung out with. Oh PLEASE DO NOT LOOK SURPRISED! I was a single, hardworking, classy, intelligent, strangely beautiful, independent woman back then, Lol I love me.

Anyway we met and he was handsome to say the least but he wanted to spend a great deal of time with me that I just did not have. Remember we are being honest. So I will say that I could have made the time but I really just didn't want to do the LOVE thing at that time. Well eventually he won me over, He was actually exactly who I needed in my life. You know God knew I was a handful. We seemed to balance each other out. That was cool. We fell in love and six kids later we are still in love.
He is still my King. I mean he rescues and protects and loves me. He is in no way perfect. But he is the base of my strength at times. Always telling me i can when I feel like I can't. He challenges me to do a little bit more. But picks me up when I can't seem to do a little bit.

It's hard to watch someone you love begin to change. They are weaker and they are slower and they are sadder than you ever imagined when you got married. I may look the same but so much has changed. The lack of so much independence has almost broken me. And at times you feel almost like a burden. I miss the OLD ME and I know HE does as well. He wouldn't say it and I love him for that. But I see t. I see it every time I can't walk up the stairs alone,  When i lost the sight in my right eye, I saw it, When I awake from a seizure in his arms, I see it. Not regret. Not a look of pity, A look that says"I wish this wasn't happening to you." I have cried for myself at times. But lately I cry for him and the kids. You cannot give back the time that being sick has taken from us, But we have the most amazing memories and we continue to make them. At times that means everyone gets in bed with me and we watch Netflix.

My husband is doing more than enough with regard to taking care of me when I need to be taken care of, And he is still that source of strength and determination I need. But I give him a standing ovation for sticking with me. For dealing with so many things that we just never imagined would become our wedding vows in moments each day. People will never fully understand the power being sick can have on the entire family. My kids, all boys are so strong. But they break down sometimes. My 15 year old says "I just want to fix you Mom." i wish he could, But the TRUTH is only God can repair the majority of things that have been broken or rearranged in my life. Not even my big, strong, handsome husband can save me this time around.

I am in some ways that same girl willing to do what it takes to make it. I am just doing it a little slower and with a little more appreciation and love than before. I fought with am Ex boyfriend once and I yelled "I do not need a MAN!" He said, "No and you never will." He was wrong. God knew I would need more than one. So I have seven.And a grandson and 2 granddaughters. My sons are like sunshine that returns every single day to the place where the storm began. And my husband is and always will be the MAN that made me KNOW that LOVE was necessary and it is wonderful.

Illnesses come and we have no warning at all. So we are not prepared to deal with the changes or the rollercoaster ride. However, there are some bonds that can sustain anything. I know I am blessed. I have many friends who have no support at all. I told my husband a few days ago that he needed to LIVE HIS LIFE and LOVE ME without missing out on a thing, He deserves all he has dreamed of and worked for. I looked at him. I looked through him and into that Spirit that captivated me so long ago and I saw it. Without him saying a word I saw it. He told me later that when he looked in my eyes all he could think of was "Til death do us part." Whether we are friends, married, or seriously angry with one another I know that He will always be available to me and caring and praying and waiting for me to get better. Make meaningful, sincere, honest connections in this world.

We love and we live as if tomorrow is promised. We take advantage of the ones we love, We ignore them. We disrespect them. And we make ourselves believe that tomorrow I will do better or I will apologize or I will forgive TOMORROW. TRUST ME, if you have something to do over or say better or apologize for or even something to forgive. Do it today. You never know when those vows will show themselves to be more than words.


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