Thursday, July 23, 2015

Don't Live In Fear

I sat in my car the other day waiting for my husband to come out of the grocery store. We were parked in the disabled parking spot. I sat there staring at that blue sign with that little man on his little wheel chair. I asked myself out loud, "Are you ready for that?" As I have began to progress more with illness, I have had to understand that a wheelchair may be in my future. The vanity I have in my mind just cannot seem to get there though. I just can't imagine myself all dressed up and in a wheelchair. I cannot see a ramp in my front yard so I can come and go. I just don't know if the wheelchair is something I can handle.

The first time I had to deal with partial paralysis it was terrible. I felt as if I would never be able to live like I had lived. They didn't know it was temporary at first. So I was pretty sure my life was over. I went through anger, denial and depression. However, I did gain back the use and the feeling of my left side. I was ecstatic!!! Ten I was looking in the mirror and I thought about all the people that do not gain their abilities to use their limbs back. I imagined what I would have done if the paralysis was permanent.

We are faced with so many things when we have these life altering illnesses. We want to live our lives in faith and hope that the worse will not happen. We want to stay positive. We want to be able to say, "I can beat this," and mean it. But the cold hard truth is, we live everyday with the possibilities lurking in our minds and whispering in our ears. We make up in our minds that permanent disability is one of the worse things that could happen to us, just short of dying.

The truth is disability or paralysis that does not go away is not the worse thing that can happen. It changes how we live but it should not keep us from living. I know my husband and my kids would choose the wheelchair for me if the other choice was death. They just want me to be here and be able to take part in their lives. I feel selfish at times when I find myself consumed by my fear of the unknown. Because I know my family has fears to. I know that they need me and love me regardless to my level of disability. I have had to deprogram myself in that area. It has not been easy at all. But it has been refreshing.
I no longer fear the things that I know will change my look on the outside. I no longer fear the idea of not being able to walk. I am so grateful each day to still have life and still have another chance to live better and love better and learn better. Yes I am the one with the illness, and yes I can spend days hosting my own pity party. But what am I missing while I am moping around and dreading what could be? I owe it to myself to enjoy life right now. I owe it to my family to make memories and be positive and to participate in their lives as much as I can while I can.

I could sit here every day waiting for death. I could lay around for years waiting to be paralyzed. I could cry and moan all the time about what may happen one day. I could waste so much valuable time on the mights and the maybes. I have decided that I am going to treat each day as if it were a priceless gift that I will only get one time, because truth be told, is.

I'll take a RESERVED HANDICAP space over a RESERVED Cemetery plot any day!!!

So many things could happen to me. So many things might happen to me. So many things are possible when it comes to being sick. But nothing is definite or guaranteed. As long as there is room for error and the could bes are just that, I will live in what I know for sure. Today I am able, capable, and willing to live the best life I can. When tomorrow comes, I will deal with it. Today I will live. In appreciation, in gratitude and in hope that the rest of my life will be the best of my life. Positive thinking is born from a positive seed planted in positive soil.

The wheelchair may come and then again it may not. Whatever the case, as long as I have life I will live it one moment at a time not one fear at a time.


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