I would be a liar if I didn't share my pain with you all. I would be a hypocrite and a phony if I didn't say my faith has been tested in the last three weeks. And I won't be any of those things because my truth is why I share my story. My truth,,,,sometimes the hardest and saddest things live in the truth.
When I started having seizures I had a long talk with my family. I learned in one week that my MS was progressing, my seizures were increasing, my lungs were not at full capacity and my muscle weakness was at it's worst. I went into my closet and I looked at the wall. I noticed that I had more than 14 pair of shoes in boxes that I had never worn, ever. I could not for the life of me remember when or why I purchased them but I was sure I never wore them. A couple of pair were gifts. I am blessed in that way, People often send me shoes, books, scarves, even caftans or slippers. And I always send a thank you note because I learned at the age of 8 people do not have to do extra for you. So always show appreciation.
|I Chose Life!!|
I grabbed my cell phone from my pocket and I deleted my Facebook. I felt like the encouragement and inspiration I was giving everyday was no longer worth anything because I could not encourage myself. I had a mirror on a shelf in the closet. I grabbed it and I looked at it as hard as I could. I could not find myself, I was gone. I had finally given up. I really had, I had decided that I could no longer fight the battle that I once knew I could win. I was ready to surrender in the worse way.
I could hear my sons calling me and the house phone ringing but it was as if it were all going on in someone else's house. I walked out the closet and I grabbed my medication basket, I take a total of 18 medications and two injections each day. I started taking out the meds I would normally take and then I doubled the pain and muscle relaxer meds as well as one sleep med and I doubled my seizure med. I lay it all on a pillow and I stared at it. I closed my bedroom door and I knelt down in prayer. I was making what I thought was a conscious decision to end my own misery. I know what suicide does to families. I know how I felt when one of my older boys was going through depression and wanted to die. I know how many times I had convinced someone else that their value was so much more than they realized......but I just could not convince myself I was worth the fight anymore.
I put all the pills into an empty pill bottle and I opened the door. There he was, my Baby Bird, my 6 year old son who really had became my hero after I watched him fight illness all of his life. He smiled and said "What are we praying about?" I held in the tears and I said, "We are praying for mommy to get better and never give up." He smiled at me as if God had told him to. He wrapped his arms around me and said "I need you Mom why would you ever give up?" I just held him. I think I held on tighter to him in that moment than I have in his entire life. So he looked at me and said "You always tell us that as long as you stay in the race you win, right?" I said "YEP/" He said "Fist bump for staying in the race Mom." and he punched my fist. I told him I loved him and I said okay go play. He said "After we pray right?" I was so overwhelmed at the way God or the Universe or my guardian angel had used this child to save my life. After we prayed I just cried. But this time it was tears of joy. It hit me how close I had come to giving up. How close I had come to leaving my family. I am not ashamed of this MOMENT. I am Blessed by it because God saved me one more time from myself.
I had entered that dark room that I blogged about when Robin Williams died. I was beat or at least I felt like I was beat. But I reminded myself that MY LIFE was not just MINE. Just as MY PAIN was not only mine. I had shared it and allowed so many to witness it. I couldn't just leave.
My day to day life is a blessing. I have the most wonderful family and friends. I just am so afraid that my failing health will one day fail them, When in actuality, committing suicide was failing them. Giving up after teaching them to NEVER QUIT was failing them. Suicide is not a selfish act in some cases. In my case I was sick and tired of being sick. I was afraid of being paralyzed or unable to care for myself. I had traded in my faith for fear. I was afraid of eht tomorrow would bring. I had no intention to hurt anyone I was simply tired of hurting.
I am on a journey. I am on a road that I have no map for, no gps, no idea which way to go. But I realize now that whatever my quality of life is, I will never be alone I realized and I understood that living the best I can and taking everyday individually was all I could do. There could one day be a cure for all that ails me. I want to be here for that. But no matter what I will never forget that I CHOSE LIFE the day that I decided to die.