Monday, February 25, 2013
I Didn't Ask For This!
You know how you have those moments in the day when you feel like things couldn't get any worse. You think about all that you have endured. You imagine that the saying, "always darkest before the dawn." has to be true. How in the world could it get any darker.I have days when I analyze my life. I want to go back to where it all began. How did I end up here. I was a good person. I loved the Lord. I cared about people. I, I, I, I,........ I didn't ask for this!
That is the funny thing about illness. There is no safe spot.I don't care how beautiful you are, how rich you are, how honest you are or how spiritual you are, you can still end up on the road of chronic illness. You will find yourself analyzing every aspect of your "old life." You start to ask yourself, "did I do something wrong?" "Did I not take care of myself?" "How could this have happened to me?" The answer to those questions really won't change the fact that you are sick. I mean even if some doctor told you tomorrow that your MS, Cancer, Crohn's, Arthritis, etc,... was caused by not enough fiber and it was incurable then knowing wouldn't change a thing as far as where you are and what you have.
We didn't do this to ourselves. I remember my doctor went through an entire appointment explaining to me that I was severely Vitamin D deficient and the connection to that and some of my illnesses. I listened patiently. When he was done I asked him, "So had I consumed more Vitamin D I wouldn't be sick?" He chuckled, "Oh no that is not what I am saying, I am saying that there is a connection." I smiled and said, "It is hard to listen to you talk about how I need to take in more Vitamin D because there is a connection to poor Vitamin D and my illness." "I feel like you are saying had I made sure to get more Vitamin D, I wouldn't be in this situation." He gently touched my back and said, "I don't think you are to blame for this." What he didn't realize was, I had just come to grips with the fact that I couldn't control nor could I have stopped my diagnosis. I have always been a person that appreciated control over my life. I couldn't control this.
Those days of wondering will never go away. It is in our nature to want to know why something happened. We may never know why we and our loved ones are diagnosed with this. What we can control is how we deal with it. I cry a few times a week because I fear the what if's. I am faithful and I am a believer, but I am human. There is an emotional pain that comes along with being diagnosed. It burns and stings and even makes us numb for awhile. We want to understand the WHY of it all. I can only offer this advice, we are stronger than we know, we are bigger in spirit than these illnesses, and we owe it to ourselves to accept where we are but stay true to who we are.
You can still be a good person. You can still love people. You can still love the Lord. You can still make a difference. You can still be YOU. Your safe place is wherever your honesty and acceptance to yourself are. We didn't ask for this but we have to be determined to deal with it!