Thursday, March 21, 2013


I would be lying if I said I never ask God why

I try to imagine that somewhere in my life I asked for the struggle, I recall in my mind the days when I knew I wasn’t being right. Perhaps one of those days brought me here. Or maybe it was something I did when I thought I was being right. I could have been wrong. I could have taken steps then that sealed my fate today,
I pray and I listen hoping God will shed some light on what led me here,
I wait for the moment when it is all clear and all easily understood.

I look at my husband as he works so hard and loves me so sincerely. I want him to be mad. I mean after all, We had plans and dreams. He smiles and rubs my back and looks at me as if time itself belonged only to us. I wish I could see me like he does.
I sit with my sons and laugh as I listen to them explain how they will never leave my side. I pray that isn’t true I want them to live their lives. My heart seems to beat faster every time they ask me how I feel. I usually just smile,…… and tell them my spirit has been healed

You can not imagine what it feels like to be trapped. To be unable to move your legs and hands without the consent of disease. It’s stifling, it’s painful, it’s unfair. But so many things in life are,
Who am I to wonder why I have this or that. What makes me better than anyone else. I mean No I didn’t ask to be sick but it would be selfish to ask not to be, wouldn’t it? I am not fond of pity parties and please do not mistake this for that. I am not pitiful because I accept where I am at,

The phone rings and you wait to hear the news. Not sure what you will be told. They say it’s getting worse no matter what they do. I say “thank you” just like I rehearsed. I will NOT ever be okay with this,I will deal with it and soar above it and live in spite of it but I will never say, “Oh don’t worry about me, because I am okay”

What I am is angry that this may not turn out like I would love. I’m angry that there are times when my prayers don’t seem to reach above. But inside, deep inside where my love is nurtured and grown I know that God would never leave me in this moment on my own.

I am human, I am scared. Like no one can imagine. What if I have to leave my family, Lord please don’t let that happen! There it is again me asking God for favors. When he has already done so much. I want to break loose from the restraints of being sick I have had enough! I want to walk and run and talk and live like I did 12 years ago. I want to be me inside and out, I deserve that! I want to play baseball with my grandkids like I did with my boys. I want to dance with my husband to the sound of his voice. No scooter, no wheel chair, no cane. An umbrella is for those who fear getting wet, I want to  praise God in the rain!

I would be lying if I said I never ask God why

Typing this my hands start to shake and with every word I cry. Not because I am mad at who I am or the storms I’ve endured in my life. I am crying because no matter what I still had the chance to be a mother, a sister,  a friend, a daughter and a wife.

I’ll never know just why  I was chosen, I would like to think God sees me like nobody else ever could. He knows that I will fight and I will stand as long as I possibly can. The truth is even if God told me why, I would still wish that THIS wasn’t my FIGHT. But Even if Tomorrow never comes my Yesterday’s are what Blessed my LIFE!



  1. My sweet Val...I don't think it is anything we have, or have not done...I think it's the bad luck of the draw.

    You know I am not a religious person, that I don't have the personal relationship with faith that you have. YET I cannot help but believe that our spirits/souls will go forth after we are finished here.

    I wonder about the day I will be ready to leave here...or if there will ever come such a day. YET I have never believed that this life is the main purpose of my spirit. Surely it is fear of the unknown that makes me want to cling to it so tightly.

    I don't know what waits for me on the other side...YET I believe with all my heart that when I get there I will understand all these things that confuse me now.

    Someday I will meet you there and we will give each other hugs with glee.

    nancy h

  2. Nancy, thank you so much. I will admit that sometimes the religious aspect makes this fight harder. It is as if you have someone to blame for being sick. And that makes you feel like you did something wrong. I am so confused sometimes just by how hurt I feel but at the same time how much love and devotion I feel to stand strong and be supportive of everyone around me.

    I hope we will meet on a beautiful bridge,looking into the ocean, with not a care in the world or the after world :). I adore you and I thank you for always being willing to share how you feel with me.

    You are my friend and that means so much to me.Love you always!

  3. Wow, very powerful words! Thank you so much for sharing. Im not a writer, a poet, I have no creativity in my body. Im a wife, a mother and a fighter fighting this monster they call MS. Your words inspire me. Thank you so much. I love reading your writing.

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    1. Francine!! Thank you for reading!!! I appreciate being able to share with you all. We really are in this together, Blessings my friend :)