Saturday, June 21, 2014

Life Must Go On

I find it so interesting that when we lose someone or something that is special to us, our bodies immediately respond to the loss. I know for me, my body responds before my brain does. I feel weak and my stomach starts to turn. Then my brain says, "I can not believe this." I have not posted very much lately because I have had so much going n that I didn't even know how to put it into words. I was told by my doctors that I was progressing pretty fast in two illnesses. My lungs had a great deal of scar tissue and my spine was covered in lesions. I remember thinking, "So I am either going to be paralyzed or I am going to stop breathing." Not to long after that my brother in law of twenty years passed away. I will be honest I was blown away! I felt a little selfish because I felt like I already had enough to deal with. What else!? What else.....

My brother in law was blessed to have a wife and two children. I realized that we as a family were going to have to surround his wife with love and support. So I could not make this about me, at least not right now. I spoke with her a few days ago and we spoke about life. We barely mentioned death at all. Our conversation was about life and how life goes on around us. Even when we feel like we can't make one move. The world keeps spinning and people keep working and gas prices keep going up. My sister in law feels like she is floating. It is as if someone else is living for her and she is watching, Because the person she planned to move forward with is gone, so how can she move forward?

I lay in my bed thinking about this for awhile the other night. It made me think of my own mortality. My own reality. The possibilities that go with living with illness and dying from it. The thought of leaving my husband and children was overwhelming me. I started to have an anxiety attack. I kept thinking of all the people that say they love me and care for me. I wondered how many would support my family and for how long. I mean after all. life goes on. Even when mine is over. I thought about how scary that would be for my six boys. I thought about how lonely my husband would feel, how helpless they all would feel. The truth is the truth. We want to support people when someone dies but our lives eventually call us back into play. So we are less attentive and less available. It just happens.


My life is never really dull or quiet. I guess when you have a house full that is to be expected. But I realize that I am the voice in my house most of the time. My boys get loud and they wrestle and yell but I am probably the loudest of us all. I know that they would miss that. But I remind them that no matter what happens, I EXPECT them to live their lives to the fullest. I tell them they can pause but do not stop. I really am not afraid of dying I am just concerned about leaving them. I feel like many people have that concern whether they have an illness or not. We worry about how our loved ones will be once we are gone. It's pretty common I think.

However, I am learning that I have so many opportunities and chances to give my boys everything I can so that they can make it with me or without. I don't waste a lot of time with fussing and arguing and disagreeing with them. They know I am always right! But seriously, I just take every mistake or misunderstanding as a chance to teach them about themselves and how they treat other people. I have no idea how long I will live. I may have 40 more years and they may have 70. The point is, it is very important that I teach them and raise them and love them everyday as if it was our last day.

Do not take anything for granted. Do not hang up without saying I love you. Do not say goodnight with anger or malice in your heart, Do not let the sun set without sharing some good  part of you. Because once we are gone, NOTHING stops. It may seem like it to our loved ones. But even they will eventually find their way back into the world. And they will take with them all that you gave them. So give freely and lovingly knowing that once your life is over, life must goes on.