Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Have BAD DAYS!!!

Have you ever wished, you could invent that magic pill that takes it all away. I don't mean we wouldn't endure anything, we just wouldn't have to endure constantly. I suppose there is a reason that little pill doesn't exist. If we had such a pill we would be spoiled, unappreciative, and careless.

I really find it normal now to deal with a pain here or a disappointment there. Those are the reminders that God is working in my life. I do however have a little issue with feeling 120% on Tuesday and 22% on Wednesday. I am not exaggerating, that is how it happens! If you have Fibro, MS, Migraines, Arthritis, etc,... Then you can relate to this. One day you feel like you think everyone else feels(happy and healthy) and then you wake up the next day unable to move.

Those days are the BAD ONES! These are the days that I look at the ceiling and I say "Lord is it okay to stay in bed today?" I always ask because I know that there is a possibility that I may still have something that I have to do regardless to how I feel. I keep my bed near the windows in my bedroom so that I can always look outside and realize that this is just one day, one moment and tomorrow I may be right back out there.

It is not easy giving into our illness, grief, pain or loss. I know last year as I went through a phase of depression. I felt like everything I had planned to do way back when I was 18, had not been done. I kind of blamed myself, then i blamed the Lord, then I realized that God was taking me where he wanted me to be. He had the final say. I spent 48 days in the house. Forty-eight consecutive days! I let my kids go on play dates and go visit family. I just sat on the couch or laid on the bed. I was disappointed in myself and I was not willing to allow anyone in to that part of my life. I answered the phone only when I thought it may be an emergency. I had very little contact with people that did not live in my house. I was depressed. I didn't even need anyone to tell me that, I knew it!!! Then one day I was watching the boys playing in the backyard and I decided I could go sit on the deck at least. I stepped out into the sun and it was like God himself had kissed me on the cheek. I sat down and started looking at the birds, flowers, trees and my neighbors doing yard work. I said in my head, "life goes on." I think because I was sad I felt like the world was moving as slow as I was. Nothing great was happening out there. I wasn't missing anything. The truth was that I had let one day, turn into 48 days of me loosing connection from the outside world. That is when I started to journal I decided I would do everything I could to not go back in that place again. I knew bad days would still happen but I would write about my pain or my sadness to keep from becoming my pain and my sadness.
Depression is lonely and difficult to understand. I discussed it a great deal in the previous blog.  We hear someone is depressed and we say, "Why?" She has so much to be happy about. Well in my case it wasn't that I didn't know I had been blessed in so many ways. It was the things I didn't do or didn't have that made me feel like I had failed. That leads you to feeling like nothing is genuine. If I doubt Myself, then everyone else does to. You create a new reality inside your reality. It takes a lot to climb out of that. Everyone can not do it alone. It can lead to   isolation, suicide, and emotional breaks that can be almost impossible to repair. If you know someone that is depressed reach out to them but never make them feel like their depression is unfounded. Trust me, to them it is not only real, it is all that they know.

So a bad day can turn into a bad life. We have to start to see these days as even less than a day. in the bigger picture these days of illness, depression, pain, are moments. We can survive moments! If we have to take to bed long enough to let the moment pass then we have too. If we have to take some time to ourselves while the moment passes then that is understandable as well. What we can not do is let this moment consume us. We can not let this moment become who we are. 

I recently started having seizures in my sleep. Absolutely terrifying! But also a clue to me that I need to pay more attention to MYSELF an allow ME to have those days that I just rest. I am really good at giving everything away emotionally and not saving much for myself. I am going to change that. It is OKAY to take care of yourself!!!! 

Whatever you have lost or suffered, PLEASE allow yourself time to just mourn and grieve and hurt and be mad or disappointed.

Tomorrow is another day. Don't pressure yourself today if your mind, body, or soul need rest. Rest is good. We are renewed and refreshed after a good rest. So let the bad day be a bad day. But always remember that with God's grace and allowing yoursellf to have "bad days"you will be up and at it again. Ready to take on all the days to come. It's a day, a moment, not forever.


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