Thursday, October 23, 2014

My Kids are Scared Too

My sons are so different. I watch them and I am in awe of the differences I see in each one.  I look at my 15 year old and see him thirsting for knowledge. He is the child that you have to drag from the library or bookstore. Then there is my 13 year old who is bigger than all the boys. But who is as gentle as a baby. He is very compassionate and has a huge heart. My 6 year old is the joy and the heartbeat. HE has a way of making everyone's day better. Even when he suffered through his own illness brought on by a blood disorder he kept us smiling. The older boys are interesting because they are very much like their father but no doubt they are their own men. They have their purpose, their goals and their ideas on how they will get better. We had a family meeting a few days ago. We just talked about everyone's lives and where they were emotionally and spiritually. I noticed that some of their questions were related to my illness.

Now I am about to be totally honest with you all. There are times when I feel so well that I imagine I am always that way. I play outside and I go places with my kids and I get a chance to be a happy, fun, mom and wife. Then there are days when I fear falling asleep. I have either just had a bad balance day or pain all day or seizures. It is as if illness is right in my face all of a sudden. So when the kids want to talk about it. I immediately get nervous. I just don't want them to see me cry or see me break down. My husband and I have always discussed how I want them to have memories that do not involve me being in the hospital or in the bed.

So we are having a pretty good talk and I thought I dodged some bullets because we talked about me being sick but we just briefly touched it. As the boys were finishing up, my 13 year old says, "If something happens to you, what will happen to us?" I thought, "REALLY?" One of the older boys immediately jumped in because he knew I would have a moment. "Nothing is going to happen to her, she has to help us raise our kids, " he said. We laughed, but I could tell my big baby was not satisfied with that answer. So I just said "Listen, we are not going to live in fear of Mama going anywhere. We are going to live grateful for one another everyday." "Mama has weak days and strong days but every one of those days I will be available to you. To kiss and hug you. To fuss and to laugh. I may have to do it all from the bed some days or the couch or even my bench in the yard, bottom line my time will be spent with you as often as possible." We all waited in silence to see if that was enough. I saw the tears pooling in his eyes just as mine were. I motioned to him to come hug me and he did. It was as if he were a toddler all over again, He hugged me so tight and cried so quietly. I pulled back and wiped his face with my hand. Then I held his face and spoke as sternly as I could.

"You are afraid of losing me but you do not realize how much of me is in you, You are so gentle and so compassionate and so loving, just like me." He gave a small grin. The other boys were just watching us but I am sure they needed to hear what I was saying as well. "I am raising you all to be men. Men take care of themselves, right?" "I would count all the stars in the sky and polish each one if I knew we wee guaranteed more time together." "But for now we will live everyday as if it were the last day. Tight hugs, long talks, caring, sharing, laughing, more than usual. Not because we fear death but because we appreciate life/" I kissed his forehead just like I did when they handed him to me the day he was born. And I whispered the same words I whispered that day into his ear. "How blessed am I that you fell from the sky and chose me to be your mom. There will NEVER be anything that we can't overcome."

I looked up and all the boys were crying. I whispered the same thing to each one of them on their birth day. I wanted to remind them that I am a promise keeper and that I will fight these disgusting, hateful diseases as long as I can. "And because we are doing it as a family. We will win, hands down!"

(I did tell them not to let a line of women form outside bringing daddy "casseroles" Lol)

People see me with my kids and they say they are well behaved and well mannered. I have been told that they are so respectful and empathetic. I love to hear those things. But what people do not know is that they are on a determined team that has vowed to win. A team that promised the universe we would always give good and love hard. A team that God placed in positions long ago. For an important reason.

My sons are so different. I watch them and I am in awe of the differences I see in each one. But I am astonished at the TEAM they are when we are all together. They make me want to win and I make them want to cheer me on.


Your VICTORY is not in being CURED. Your VICTORY is in the FIGHT. The fact that you stayed in and you didn't give up or let go. You believed in yourself and others believed in you. THAT is what makes us Victorious!

My kids are as scared as I am sometimes but....

When my life is over, my sons will be full and they will be men. They will remember the good and have glimpses of the bad but they will ALWAYS remember we Fought as a Team.



  1. I love your dedication as a mother to your sons! I don't have any children yet, but I hope someday I will and I feel like you can't raise kids right with out going through some hard things with each other (isn't that what life is all about?) I found an article that I really like about a mom who did exactly what you are doing - raising her kids in faith.

    What have you found to be the best way to keep your positive perspective when you start feeling overwhelmed?

    1. Hi Brooke! Thank you for reading!! I meditate and I read daily devotionals. I have a room in my house with just pictures of us and beautiful candles and a huge chair. I go there when I need to connect with God. But my boys love to make me laugh. I feel like their love and happiness along with my spiritual connection keep me balanced and hopeful! We have to find what makes us joy filled and reaches us inside. The things that the world cannot take away! Blessings and thank you again

  2. You are a phenomenal woman! I was moved to tears (of joy) reading your blog. You exude so much strength in spite of what your body goes through. Your sons and husband are blessed to have a wife and mother such as you!!

    1. Tonia! Thank you so much. I do the best I can but I want to always be sure my family has no regrets. I appreciate you reading and commenting. That touches my heart, Blessings my friend!