Saturday, February 16, 2013


You know how you wake up and you imagine that today will be the day you will feel normal? You think of all the things that you can accomplish if your body would cooperate. You smile because even though you feel a few twinges, a SICK FREE DAY is still possible. "Okay," you tell yourself as you decide to get up and have at it. You throw the covers back, swing around, and realize that today IS NOT going ot be a SICK FREE DAY. You sit there bummed out because for once you want to just feel okay. Just be able to get up and get going. No dashes to the restroom. No inch by inch walking to the closet. No shaking hands. No trembling voice. No help to get dressed. No help to get clean. Just you being you unassisted and unrestrained. You fall backwards on the bed. All you can think about is how sick you are of being sick!!!

It doesn't matter how positive or negative you are. The idea that this illness or condition is going to one day miraculously go away stays in the back of your mind. I think we feel like it just isn't fair to always feel bad or always feel weak, Why in the world can't we just have one day? I just want to run again. I have six boys that run and play and toss the ball and ride bikes. I miss that. I sit at the window sometimes because  the heat is just to much for me. I watch my husband cut grass and the boys play ball and I wonder why can't I just have one day! Now don't get me wrong. There are days when I think I can play basketball and work in the garden and on those days, I give it a shot. The thing is I later feel like I shouldn't have done it. I either start hurting or I feel so weak I can't stand. My heart is full on these days though because even though I am paying for it, it was worth it.

Being sick sucks. I don't care what the illness is, If it changes you from who you use to be to who you have to get use to, it sucks! You miss your old self. You miss everything you use to do. The person you use to be seems lost. It can make you sad. It makes you angry. And it is so very okay to feel this way. I think one of the healthiest things we can do is to mourn our old lives. However after we mourn, we need to get to know the new person we are becoming. You will be surprised at how amazing you still are.

Don't beat up on yourself. Don't hate yourself. Don't feel like you have done anything wrong.You had no control over this condition. If you did, you wouldn't have it. Things are going to change We have to learn to get use to it but that does not mean that you have to pretend to be fine when you are not. It means that you push forward knowing there is still a future for you. Take the good days and enjoy them. Take the bad days and respect them. Just remember that it is nothing wrong with being sick of being sick.


No comments:

Post a Comment