Monday, February 16, 2015

My Dream Our Nightmare

An opportunity arises for me to be totally healed from all illness. The doctors say that there will be sacrifices but they can make me well.  I am ecstatic! I jump on it. I cannot wait until everyone I love finds out that I am finally healed! I run out into the street from this hospital, screaming with joy and jumping up and down. Every person that I pass gets an ear full of my testimony. "I was so sick and I was diagnosed with this and that and I was told to give up and so on and so forth!" Then I realize that all the people around me are in wheelchairs. I ask a lady that passes me, "What happened why are you all in wheelchairs?" She looks up and says , "We all have debilitating illnesses. We will never walk again" Then she rolls away. I wake up... each every time I have this dream I feel so guilty. I feel like I wanted to be healed so badly that I forgot that my healing was mine and it would not heal all the other people that are suffering like me or worse than me. And I never asked what the sacrifices would be.

I wonder if I truly would accept total healing if it meant nobody else could be healed. I wonder if I desire to be well so badly that I dream this same dream selfishly time after time. What am I willing to do to be well? The truth is I am willing to do just what I am doing. Taking care of myself, listening to my body, praying, meditating and living my life like I am in charge, not the illnesses. The dream seems to symbolize how I recognize there will always be something wrong even if I feel right.

There are so many challenges that we all face each day. So many things that we want to change or we want to improve. The majority of those things will call for some sort of sacrifice. We have to accept to give something to get what we want. My sister asked me once if I could give my pain and illness away would I. I immediately responded "NO". I have lived this life for over 10 years and I could not imagine giving that to someone else. The pain, the confusion, the fear, the unknowing, the struggle......I would NEVER wish, give or consider seeing anyone go through it. The dream is my fear. The dream is me saying to myself, "What are you willing to do for that healing you pray about and think about?" The truth is, I don't want to be healed at the price of anything being taken or anything being inflicted on someone else. I want to be healed so that I can live the life I use to live.

The funny thing is, even if I was healed. I could never live that life again. Everything that I have endured and experienced has changed me. My thoughts are different, my considerations are different, my priorities are different, my mind set is different, my outlook is different. I wasn't a bad person before I got ill, I wasn't inconsiderate or hateful either. I was naive. I was consumed with living comfortably in the world. Having nice things and a good education. A big house and a nice car. I never gave living comfortably in the physical sense a second thought. I took my health for granted.

Yes,....I took my health for granted. I assumed that I was going to always be able to walk and talk and function. Why would I think anything else. I was a good person and I took pretty good care of myself so why in the world would I ever think I would one day need a cure. I'm sorry I actually need a few cures. I hope and pray that I live long enough to see us all walk in the victory of a cure for MS, Cancer, Scleroderma, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, Crohn's Disease and any other illness that wrecks your body and changes your quality of life.

Everything comes at a cost, a sacrifice of some type. The pain is born when we have to choose and we aren't sure if we made the right choice. Did I do the right thing? Was I selfish? How will this decision effect other people? It can sometimes be a complicated decision to decide to make a decision,....

My dream is not to be healed. My dream is to be able to celebrate the end of this battle with everyone else that fights it. I would never want to be the only one saved or healed. I want us all to wake up from this nightmare together,


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