Friday, November 13, 2015
I Hope I Can Make It
I recently went through surgery. It was the first one in a series of three. I unfortunately have been scarred from the inside out from Scleroderma. My gallbladder was removed, my stomach was scraped and my lungs were treated as well. It was and still is a very painful recovery. The surgery was a week ago today. I am now able to walk along the wall to get to the bathroom by myself. I was thinking this morning how unbelievably agitated I am!
I love God. This is not a "Woe is me, why is God picking on me" type of post. It is actually a "How much does God think I can take?" kind of post. I know that I can be a great deal to deal with at times. I mean I am very passionate about anything that I care about. I really do not have a MEDIUM button. I am either ALL IN or ALL OUT. So lately it seems as if certain things in my life were beginning to get really good. I mean my entire family seemed to be at a good place and we were enjoying that place and appreciating all of God's grace "at that place." Then just like clockwork, I wake up one morning unable to sit up by myself. I mean I was literally unable to sit up, The pain in my stomach and the top of my legs felt like fire. I yelled out and I grabbed my belly. The first actual words out of my mouth were , "What happened to me? I was fine last night!":
Imagine that for a minute, You go to bed in a good place physically and mentally. You wake up and it is almost as if you have been beaten and abused in your sleep. Seven hours of sleep and I was miserable. I remember calling for my husband and then calling the doctor and then going to Urgent Care and then having an ultrasound and then waiting. I had so many ridiculous thoughts. My husband had a vasectomy 7 years ago but I kept thinking maybe I was pregnant in my tubes. Then I thought maybe I had some terrible form of food poisoning. Then I asked myself out loud "Did I have a seizure last night?" I knew I hadn't but I had to have an answer to this pain! If you have ever felt a pain or a spasm or an ache that seemed to come from nowhere then you get what I am saying. The human mind HAS TO KNOW!!!!! Years ago when I first started getting sick, I remember asking the neurologist, "What;s the problem and how do we fix it?" But it has NEVER been that easy,...EVER.
Anyway long story short, they came and told me that I had an enormous amount of inflammation and scar tissue in my stomach and my intestines and that it had grown or spread or covered up something very quickly. And that it was almost as if I was being suffocated from the inside out. I would need surgery and surgery and meds and blah blah blah!!!!!!!
I did hear a doctor say that I would feel worse after the surgery for a few weeks. He was right. I am sitting here now wondering why we bothered the dang scar tissue. This is where my agitation comes in. I cannot wrap my head around MY OWN HEALTH ISSUES! I do not understand the unpredictable flares and the out of nowhere seizures. I have the hardest time making my family and friends understand how hard it is to WANT TO GO and WANT TO DO but I have to wait for permission from my body before I can even get out of bed.
I wish I could stand on a building in every city in this country and explain for 45 minutes why it is so freaking unfair to judge those of us that simply do not have any control over what our bodies will do. I have a sister that actually takes a week away from everyone each month so that she can deal with her Period Issues as she calls them. That is because she knows that her period is coming each month. Nothing is as predictable as your period!!! Even my husband knows when I am going to start mine, Because my personality changes. We do not get that with these illnesses. We hope and pray that tomorrow will be a good day. We get excited to imagine what that road trip or that family vacation or that birthday party or that girls day out or that night with the boys or that graduation or that wedding but in the backs of our minds we are thinking, "I hope I can make it."
I lay here an hour ago thinking about this journey and the fact that it isn't getting easier. I actually whispered, "I hope I can make it." I really did. I hope that I can beat this constant battle and live in victory. I know it;s possible. I know I can do it. But please know that WE that deal and endure with these attacks get frustrated and angry too. We get upset and heartbroken when we can't follow through with plans. We get mad when we can't get out of bed 7 hours after falling asleep!
I does not matter WHAT you are dealing with, Depression, MS, RA, Lupus, Sclero, Sarcoid, ALS, HIV, mental illness, Heart Disease, Diabetes, and on and on. You will have the days when your loved ones are looking forward to you making it and you are Just Hoping you can make it. Cut yourself some slack and try to stay in the race. I learned long ago, I do not have to finish first to WIN, I just need to finish.