Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The Pain that Never Stops

I think when people see me they imagine my good days outweigh the bad ones when it comes to pain. I will be honest, I have never been a lay in the bed type of girl. My mom said I woke up before the rooster when I was a kid. So I think getting up and going regardless to what I feel was pretty much just instinct for quite some time after I started getting sick.

I wish I could say that I don't feel the pain. I wish I could sit here with my cup of tea, wrapped up in my dreams of "being fine" and type words that spoke to pain days being far and few. But the reality is, I feel some type of pain everyday. The pain of Multiple Sclerosis is quite indescribable. I mean I can try to explain it but unless you have felt it, you would probably feel as if I was exaggerating I will say this. My head, back, chest, neck, arms, legs, and eyes,....hurt thanks to MS. There is vibrating pain. Stabbing pain. Dull pain and aching pain. And doctors try to convince you that the right combination of medications will take the pain away,...they are wrong.

I also have the responsibility of greeting my Rheumatoid Arthritis Pain each day. I'm not sure it ever goes away though. I feel it at night when I am placing my kids in their beds and bending over to kiss them goodnight. My back feels like a gorilla is sitting on it. I straighten up and move slowly down the hall, anticipating falling so gently into my bed. The thing is, nothing is gentle with RA. My joints owe their pain to this illness. Swelling, stiffness rashes, knots on my hands, and sadness. And we all know that sadness is a different kind of pain altogether.

The Scleroderma, seems to deal with me from the inside out. Lungs, kidneys, you name it. I could probably write an entire blog on the pain of these three and the other three as well. (Crohn's, Myositis and Fibro) But I won't. I just wanted to paint a picture for anyone that doesn't understand what these illnesses do to us.

I am NOT A MARTYR by any means. I know people with far more illness and far more pain. But I am an advocate for getting the word out. The word that what the world calls Invisible illnesses are some of the most painful illnesses in the world. And I know many of my fellow survivors deal with pain daily just as I do.
But I also know they get up and they go on. Not because they want to but because many of us have no choice. We are some of the the strong, the committed, the dedicated, the hopeful.Those things tell us that we can get through the pain today. So we go for it!

Do we crawl into bed at night? Yes.  Do we lay on the couch some days? Yes. Do we pray for the pain to disappear and to just be fine,...most days! But our reality still involves pain. And no,... many of us aren't drug addicts looking for our next Oxycodone, Percocet, or Valium prescription. I hate taking pills. And I do not enjoy anything that alters how I feel, which is why I don't enjoy being sick.

If I had to answer the question, "What pain is worse?" I would say this. Any pain that changes the way we feel, interact, love, enjoy, exist, is terrible pain. But the pain that comes from not being believed or not being taken seriously, is truly unimaginable.

I'm going to keep pushing through on the days when I can push. I am going to support anyone I know that suffers from any illness because I know pain can be relentless. I know pain can be subjective, I know pain can be damaging to the mind, body, and soul, And I know for some of us, the pain never stops.

 #mspain #invisibleillness #chronicillness

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